insanity
That's it.
I can't hold it in anymore.
My feelings are exploding inside of me and I can't stop my tears.
Why, on earth, am I doing this?
Why, am I doing something I utterly dislike?
Mugging for EOYs is a choice that was forced.
If I could turn back time, I would not have chosen RV.
Maybe... that day when I decided to give up on SOTA was the worst mistake in my life.
But then again, if it wasn't for RV, I wouldn't have met great friends like Eelynn, Rachel, Yan, Joyce, Kenlynn, Ruofei, Jenny, Yin Jia, TIffany, Lynn, Wan Tian and the long list continues.
And most importantly, I think I wouldn't have realised this hidden burning passion in me.
2 weeks to EOYs.
101% not prepared for it.
I'm trying my best, working my heart out, sleeping at 2am every night for the past week.
All of this effort, is just to get a 3.2 so that I can get promoted with 4H2.
But in the process of this mugging, I have become someone that I don't know.
This insane person who can ignore the entire world, ignore everyone's feelings.
What a monster.
Piano lesson today was a joy.
I have never felt so relaxed for the past weeks even though I didn't play well.
I don't play well. But I enjoy playing.
Then, it got me thinking about the reason why I am mugging so hard.
(This is the stage where one realises that he has lost his sanity.)
The most important, the underlying reason for my behavior and choices:
I need to be a good role-model for my siblings.
I need to prove to them that you can't give up.
But this reason is driving me crazy.
This reason, is the cause behind my outburst of emotions.
It hurts.
I am not doing it for my sake, but for somebody else.
And in this process, I have evolved into someone terrible.
I can't take this anymore.
I can't take this pain.
I want to do things that I want to do.
I don't want to live an ordinary life.
I want to be special.
I need to live my life.
But, I can't.
I am exhausted.
I am breaking down.
Somebody, please, take me away.
Because I can't take this anymore.
insanity
That's it.
I can't hold it in anymore.
My feelings are exploding inside of me and I can't stop my tears.
Why, on earth, am I doing this?
Why, am I doing something I utterly dislike?
Mugging for EOYs is a choice that was forced.
If I could turn back time, I would not have chosen RV.
Maybe... that day when I decided to give up on SOTA was the worst mistake in my life.
But then again, if it wasn't for RV, I wouldn't have met great friends like Eelynn, Rachel, Yan, Joyce, Kenlynn, Ruofei, Jenny, Yin Jia, TIffany, Lynn, Wan Tian and the long list continues.
And most importantly, I think I wouldn't have realised this hidden burning passion in me.
2 weeks to EOYs.
101% not prepared for it.
I'm trying my best, working my heart out, sleeping at 2am every night for the past week.
All of this effort, is just to get a 3.2 so that I can get promoted with 4H2.
But in the process of this mugging, I have become someone that I don't know.
This insane person who can ignore the entire world, ignore everyone's feelings.
What a monster.
Piano lesson today was a joy.
I have never felt so relaxed for the past weeks even though I didn't play well.
I don't play well. But I enjoy playing.
Then, it got me thinking about the reason why I am mugging so hard.
(This is the stage where one realises that he has lost his sanity.)
The most important, the underlying reason for my behavior and choices:
I need to be a good role-model for my siblings.
I need to prove to them that you can't give up.
But this reason is driving me crazy.
This reason, is the cause behind my outburst of emotions.
It hurts.
I am not doing it for my sake, but for somebody else.
And in this process, I have evolved into someone terrible.
I can't take this anymore.
I can't take this pain.
I want to do things that I want to do.
I don't want to live an ordinary life.
I want to be special.
I need to live my life.
But, I can't.
I am exhausted.
I am breaking down.
Somebody, please, take me away.
Because I can't take this anymore.
Amanda.